12 May Sexual Self Enquiry Questionaire
By Eyal Matsliah – Tantra Teacher and Sexuality Coach
Before you set out to change or ‘fix’ anything, it’s important to look at your life and see where you are limiting your self.
Limitations can come from many factors such as:
- Childhood and upbringing
- Sexual and relationship history
- Sexual beliefs and preferences
- Connection to femininity
- Other lifestyle factors
You can identify issues and limitation when you work with certain professionals; however, I’ve provided a few questions that will guide you in your own self-enquiry.
Consider the question in this questionnaire and mark the ones that trigger you. Then write down the emotional responses that come up.
Make sure you do not create a story or an identity from what you find out.
Remember that even a woman with a history of rape and abuse can become a sexual, orgasmic, powerful woman with a loving conscious partner living a harmonious life.
Childhood and upbringing
- What are the earliest memories you have of sex and sexuality?
- What have your early memories led you to believe about sexuality?
- Did you masturbate as a child or did you start after you reached puberty?
- Did you ever engage in any kind of pseudo-sexual, sensual or ‘forbidden’ games with other kids?
- Were you ever reproached for playing these games or did you witness others being criticised for that?
- Growing up, how was your relationship with your father? Was he a safe, trusted, inspiring figure in your childhood?
- Would you trust a man with your father’s character and qualities as your lover or partner?
- How does your relationship with your father affect your view of men and masculinity?
- How was your relationship with your mother? Was she a good role model for femininity?
- How does your relationship with your mother affect your attitude towards femininity and towards yourself as a woman?
- How was the relationship between your parents? Were they affectionate around the house and in public?
- Did you ever hear your parents having sex? How did that make you feel? How did that affect your attitude towards sexuality?
- Were you acknowledged, loved, heard, and cared for?
- Were your parents happy with you as a girl or did they try to raise you like a boy?
- Did your father ever beat you? Not necessarily in a sexual way, did he slap you or punish you severely?
- Generally speaking, how was the relationship between you and your other family members – grandparents, siblings and so on?
- What was your relationship with your brother? Did he protect and support you or put you down or even hit you?
- How did your parents handle your brother’s behaviour towards you?
- Did your sister express her femininity in a way that inspired you or put you off?
- What was the attitude towards sex in your family, school, community and culture?
- At school, did you have a reputation of being ‘the virgin’, ‘the tease’ or ‘the slut’?
Sexual and relationship history
- How were your first experiences around the opposite sex – slow dancing, kissing, foreplay, non-penetrative sex and so on?
- How was your first penetrative sexual experience?
- How did those early sexual experiences influence you in later years?
- Have you sometimes used sex to attract a man or to make him like you or to prevent him from leaving you?
- Is sex usually the best aspect of a relationship or the worst for you?
- Thinking about all your past partners, what are some qualities and traits they had in common
- Were they masculine and domineering, or soft and sensitive?
- Were they emotionally and physically available?
- Were they experienced sexually and did their sexual energy match yours?
- Were they successful, healthy and respected by their friends and peers?
- What do your girlfriends say about your partners?
- Did you ever have any kind of unwanted touch from a friend, a partner or a family member?
- For example your husband insisting to have sex when you didn’t really want to, or penetrating you before you were ready/aroused/wet?
- Did it happen more than once?
- Did you ever experience any kind of unwanted touch or sex from a stranger?
- Anything from a guy flashing you on the street to someone touching you on the subway. Perhaps near rape or actual rape. Did it happen more than once?
- Was it before puberty?
- Did you ever go through an abortion?
- Have you ever had to deal with an STI?
- Are you on the pill? How many years have you been on it?
- Did you feel its effects when you started taking it?
Sexual beliefs and preferences
- What does sex mean for you? Why should you have it? What purpose does it serve? How does it make you feel?
- What words, phrases or metaphors do you associate with sex?
- How do you think a typical man would answer the previous two questions?
- Do you prefer giving or receiving during sex?
- Are there sexual expressions and activities that you don’t feel comfortable with or regard as degrading? For example being on top, being taken from behind, oral sex, anal sex, bondage, submission and domination, role-play, ‘dirty’ talk etcetera?
- Do you know others who enjoy these sexual expressions?
- Did you ever fake your orgasm?
- Do you masturbate?
- Are you comfortable putting your fingers inside your vagina?
- Are you comfortable inserting something into your vagina, such as a dildo?
- Do you easily get aroused?
- Can you orgasm easily by yourself?
- Can you orgasm with a partner during penetration?
- Do you experience short peaks of orgasm or long deep moments of orgasm?
- Do you sometimes get tired and frustrated after masturbation or sex?
- Are you comfortable making sounds during sex?
- Do you have any sexual fantasies that you consider ‘dirty’ or ‘wrong’?
- For example a rape fantasy.
- Do you have a recurring yeast infection or other vaginal imbalance?
Connection to Femininity
- Do you feel connected to your femininity on both external (appearance, behavior) and internal aspects?
- Are you happy being a woman?
- Do you identify more with the masculine or feminine?
- What is your attitude towards your body?
- Are you comfortable naked or in a bikini on the beach?
- Do you prefer to turn the lights off when you’re having sex?
- What is your attitude towards your vagina?
- What is your attitude towards your vaginal secretions?
- Are you comfortable smelling and tasting them?
Other lifestyle factors
- Are you subjected to a lot of stress at your work or at home?
- Do you sometimes feel depressed?
- Do you take antidepressants?
- Do you have any tendencies for self-sabotage, procrastination or self-doubt?
- Do you sometimes feel like a victim?
- Do you have any self-help books, DVDs, audiobooks etcetera?
- More than five?
- More than twenty?
- Have you tried to get advice, help or guidance from professionals?
- Did you see more than five professionals regarding these issues?
- How many workshops around sexuality, relationship and personal development have you attended?
- How well have you implemented the advice you received from those books, workshops and professionals?
How the questionnaire is related to your orgasmic journey
The following discussion provides a perspective into the questionnaire.
You relationship with your parents
Your father and mother are the first representation you had of the masculine and feminine aspects, archetypes or energies. How they embodied these archetypes affected how you perceive the masculine and feminine, men and women, and how you perceive yourself as a woman.
For example, if your father was domineering and your mother was submissive, you might have imitated your mother’s behaviour patterns and grown up to be a submissive woman. On the other hand, you might have grown up with the determination never to be like your mother. So instead, you adopted a more masculine way of being a woman and you now reject aspects of your femininity in fear that you will end up like her.
This can also affect your choice of men and the relationship you have with them. As children, we learn by imitating those that we perceive have power. So a child might imitate their father’s aggression or their mother’s emotional manipulation tactics. If you imitated your mother and ended up being submissive, you might seek men who are domineering even though you resent them for being like that.
On the other hand, if you ended up being a more masculine woman, you might attract men who are more feminine but you might not be satisfied with these men. You might not be deeply attracted to them because you actually identify the masculine as being strong, even if your father was ‘too strong’.
Now let’s flip the power play. If your mother was stronger than your father, you may have grown up to either be similar to her or you promise yourself never to be like her. This again affects which men you find attractive, which men can bring out the best in of you, and your general interactions with men.
If you are confused about which kind of men you are attracted to and which kind of men will actually serve you to open up and shine as a woman, you have every right to be. These days, most men either manifest the immature masculine (using their physical, financial or social power to dominate others) or they are disempowered and lacking in determination, presence and a sense of purpose. You might have heard the phrase, ‘Where are all the good men?’
But to be fair, you could also ask the same of women. If you want to attract a ‘good man’ – one who embodies the mature masculine – you need to work on yourself so you gradually manifest and express more and more of the mature feminine (Read and listen to : If you want a man, let go of the boys) . This is more than any make up, clothes, plastic surgery or tactics of seduction will do for you.
To be clear, I believe in equal rights. Women can do everything a man can. I believe women can and should venture into traditionally male-dominated professions. But this can be a without giving up the feminine. You can be a successful businesswoman either by being aggressive, domineering and egotistical (like some men) or by being caring, fair and loving.
You can succeed from a place of authenticity, love, caring and compassion even in the business world.
Your past relationships
Looking at your past partners can tell you a lot about yourself – how you see yourself and how you perceive the masculine and feminine.
Generally, the people we spend the most time with and the relationships that feel the most meaningful reflect our ‘stuff’ back at us. If your lovers and partners tend to be weak, soft men who lack presence and direction in life, what is it about them that attracts you? Do you want to save them or nurture them like a mother? Are you really fulfilled in the long run?
If your lovers are masculine but domineering, possessive or controlling, is there a part of you that secretly wants that? Is there a part of you that doesn’t feel secure and able to succeed on your own, so you seek those who will tell you what to do?
Your sexual beliefs and preferences
If your earliest memories and impressions of sexuality are negative, this will affect your experience of sexuality throughout your life. But don’t get disheartened because even women who have been through severe physical and emotional abuse can end up being sexual, orgasmic and open.
Also, growing up in a family or society that criticizes and condemns sex might have programmed you to judge and criticize yourself for having sexual feeling or engaging in sexual activities.