07 Apr Feeling Needy Around Women
By Dr. Robert Glover – Author of “No More Mr Nice Guy”
Once in a relationship, Nice Guys tend to hook up a hose to their woman and expect her to constantly validate them and be their core source of social and emotional connection.
This may feel familiar to you, but it’s not an effective dating strategy. The main reason that seeking approval from a woman doesn’t accomplish what you want is that your “needy traits are “feminine” in nature.
The “feminine” seeks external validation. The feminine craves approval. The “masculine” is self-validating by through action. That is why women are generally turned on by men who “do,” not men who seek their approval.
If you approach women from a needy place, seeking their validation, any woman you attract to you will probably be fairly “masculine” in nature. That means she will most likely be pretty controlling and dominant, and maybe even mean and aggressive. She might completely lack the “nurturing” (feminine) qualities you say you crave. She could even resent you for having to take care of you, which usually turns off the sex switch as well.
That is why I teach men to embrace their masculine side by creating a great “cake” of a life. This great cake is made up of:
- Pursing your passions
- Doing guy things with guys
- Leaning into challenge
- Regular, strenuous exercise
- A regular practice for personal growth (spirituality)
- Give your unique gift to the world
As you work on making the great cake, you can invite a great woman to be your icing. She will never be the cake or even one of the key ingredients in your great cake.
With 30 years experience as a marriage therapist, and two marriages, I have observed that when men make a woman the cake of their life, it always falls flat.
As I heard David Deida, the author of “The Way of The Superior Man” once state, “What kind of woman would be attracted to a man who has made her his greatest passion?”
Healthy women are attracted to a man who is making his great cake. They don’t want to be the cake. They like being the icing (women have told me this).
Oh, one more thing. You don’t have to wait until you make the great cake before you start interacting with women. They are attracted to the fact that you are doing the things that will result in a great cake.
Since most Nice Guys have difficulty making their own needs a priority and tend to be pretty risk adverse, doing the things to make a great cake can feel initially overwhelming. That’s okay. This one of those things that you don’t have to do perfectly.
Take out a piece of pager and start writing down some concrete, doable things that you can start working on in each of the four areas above. This will put you into your masculine self. From that place, you will fill yourself up and won’t be as likely to turn to a woman to do it for you, something she can’t do anyway. You will also look immediately more attractive to the women you meet.
So make start working on your cake. Then invite a great woman to be the icing.