Why Do Men Go to Escorts

By Ryan Thomas. Co-Founder and Host of the podcast and sexuality focused, personal growth company, Modern SexTalks.

A lot of people have asked me, “Why would anyone go to an escort/prostitute?” Or there are statements like “Men who go to prostitutes are disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves. They’re losers who don’t see women as people, and they’re only after one thing. Why can’t they keep it in their pants? The male sex drive is disgusting.”

These comments and questions have been made to me by both men and women. I am going to offer some clarity today on the types of men who go to escorts, and why. Hopefully, you’ll have a better, and healthier, understanding by the end of this piece.

As a heads up, this article isn’t oriented around human trafficking or exploitation, nor is it to discuss the laws surrounding sex work (of which I believe decriminalization is the best solution to protect sex workers). It’s simply to bridge the gap between ill-informed thoughts like “He SHOULD live like ______” and real thoughts like the ones below.

It’s very easy to dehumanize the men that go to sex workers. It’s easy to make them out to be predatory, and to make them evil, or dirty or sick.

And I completely disagree with that thought process.

Yes, there are some men who are bad people who take advantage of (or do worse things to) sex workers. But there are a lot of bad women too.

So let’s throw that argument out the window, because I do not believe for a second that the majority of men (or women) who go to sex workers are the made of “evil.”

This list is by no means comprehensive, and I am also not referring to men who are addicted to purchasing sex, as some men are. That being said, here are some reasons why normal men go to sex workers:

  1. Because they’re socially awkward, and can’t find someone to be intimate with. (this is sad, but true)
  2. Because they’re too busy to get into the dating game, but still want to have sex (like any normal human being would).
  3. Because “getting laid” isn’t nearly as easy for a lot men as people seem to think.
  4. Because it’s easier.
  5. Because he’s a virgin. And as an adult virgin, few women want to be a man’s first. And a man who’s still a virgin as an adult, is likely suffering from anxiety, which is preventing him from meeting a partner in the first place.
  6. Because it’s safe. And by safe, I mean safe to be vulnerable. A lot of men have cried on the shoulders of the escorts they hire.
  7. Because it removes any potential emotional fall-out.
  8. Because they’re going through sexual dysfunction challenges and need help reconnecting with their sexuality, without having to focus on their partner/worry what a new/their current partner would think.
  9. Because their libido is down, and they need some help, and they’re afraid of asking their partner. Or they don’t have a partner to go to for help in the first place, and they don’t want to have sex with a new partner if their libido is down, because it would be embarrassing if they couldn’t get an erection with a new partner.
  10. Because they don’t want sloppy, drunk sex from a picked up girl from the nightclub. Or because they can’t pick up a girl from the night club in the first place. God forbid you would want sober sex, eh?
  11. Because they are in an emotionally tough place, and can’t meet anyone, but still have their needs.
  12. Because they’re older and “out” of the dating game.
  13. Because they have a fetish for something naughty, like paying for sex from someone they don’t know.
  14. Because they want to live out fantasies. For example in an autobiography I was reading about an escort, she spoke of an elderly man that would ask her to act like his deceased wife. Sometimes she would clean, and they would chat and flirt, and then have sex. She said he was gentle, kind, often got teary-eyed or cried about his lost wife, and showered her with love. He routinely told her stories about his wife and how much he missed her. He couldn’t bear to date another woman, but he still craved sex: Like everyone does.
  15. Because as men we’re expected to show the woman a good time, but if we don’t “perform” (because maybe we’re stressed, nervous, our head is elsewhere, we’re wondering if we’re going to have sex, if she’s having a good time, should he pay/not pay, etc), then we’re rejected. With an escort, a man has a chance to actually feel like a king; to feel appreciated, and desired without having to put someone else’s needs ahead of his own. He’s relieved of responsibility. He can enjoy himself without feeling like he needs to perform or play the role of provider and protector. And if you believe that this is selfish, then yes I agree with you. But is it unhealthy? Fuck no. He can pay money, and he can have intimacy (not just sex), and feel like a king, even if just for a short period of time. What a disgusting human, eh? So egotistical…pfft…male ego. He wants to feel good about himself. (hint: that was sarcasm).
  16. Because he’s a single father and doesn’t have time to get out to meet someone.
  17. Because he’s a registered sex-offender with a specific sexual fantasy for which he needs a safe outlet. So he calls an escort to have that fantasy lived out in a negotiated, consensual manner. (yes, this situation requires more mental health support, but I would much rather this scenario, than a criminal act)
  18. Because his wife has decided that she doesn’t want to have sex. Maybe she’s just had a baby and hasn’t felt sexy in years, despite his consistent efforts to make her feel sexy. Or she’s lost attraction to him. Or there’s a discrepancy between their libidos. Or she doesn’t want to offer him certain sexual acts that he can get from an escort. Or some other reason that she’s hiding from him.
  19. Because his wife is treating him like crap/he’s in an abusive relationship and wants to feel appreciated again while he tries to figure out how to get out of the relationship.
  20. Because he wants adventure, and he finds his wife’s sexual expression to be boring. She only enjoys vanilla, missionary, soft, eye-gazing sex. He wants raunchy, dirty-talking, spanking, hair-pulling sex.
  21. Because he’s afraid of women. I had a client who was told he was a creep. He started playing a boombox over his head for a woman he had a crush on (true story. He said he referenced a movie, because he thought that’s what she wanted.) She called the police on him, and told him he was a creep. No charges were laid, and he never approached her again, but ever since then, he’s avoided women because he doesn’t want to be a creep. He’s still a person with needs and a desire to connect. He’s so afraid of hurting women, or making them feel uncomfortable, that he’s sacrificed his life to ensure he doesn’t get misrepresented. As a result, he didn’t develop the way he could have and is terribly lonely.By going to escorts, he can feel intimacy without having to worry that he’s going to creep her out or hurt her, or have the police called on him.
  22. Because he has a fantasy he want’s fulfilled, but doesn’t want his partner to see him in this light yet/he doesn’t trust his partner. For example, dominatrixes and a lot of ‘pain play’ requires a lot of training and experience. Going to a professional is a smart decision. OR he wants to get pegged (fucked in the ass by his girlfriend wearing a strap-on), and he has a lot of shame around that desire and can’t open up to his partner. He doesn’t want her to see that side of him yet, because he hasn’t yet worked through it on his own. So he goes to an escort instead.
  23. Because he’s horny, isn’t ready to date yet (for whatever reason), and wants to have sex.
  24. Because he’s going through a lot of stress, and can’t handle the emotional journey of going to meet someone, and hoping it turns to sex. And sex, as we all know, is a great solution to stress.

Are there some deeper challenges behind some of the reasons laid out above? Yes. Are there better solutions to some of those reasons? Maybe…but that’s only if you think escorting is bad. And shaming a man (or anyone for that matter) for going to a sex worker for help only makes things worse.

Honestly ask yourself, is it safer to approach a friend or an acquaintance (assuming you have some you can go to) to fulfill a sexual need or fantasy you have where there is a large risk of losing said friend(s) or being ridiculed or ostracized? Or is it safer to go to an escort?

Is it better to guilt or coerce a partner into a sex act? Or is better to go to an escort for those acts? This way, neither partner has unmet sexual needs. Is it really acceptable to ask your partner to give up his/her sexual autonomy to fit your needs?

I think you get the picture. And I think that maybe if we treated sex work and sex workers with a bit more fucking respect and appreciation, and didn’t look at sex as though it’s some kind of dirty act or treat it like an egoic currency to prove our worth, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

If you don’t like that someone has sexual needs that you don’t understand, then I’m going to get in your face and let you know: that is your problem.

Instead of saying “You’re disgusting for going to a sex worker” you could help both parties by saying “I understand you have sexual needs. I’m human and I get them too. I just need to ask, are you doing this with respect for the worker? Is there any indication she could be doing this out of her own free will? Do you feel better or worse doing this? Will the sex worker be in a better, neutral or worse place after engaging with you?”

If we asked the latter sequence of questions, and encouraged that kind of decision making process and moral guidelines, there would be a hell of a lot less shame.

And we probably wouldn’t have as many escorts getting mistreated, murdered, raped, trafficked or using sex as a means to feed a horrific drug addiction.

I hope this article explains on a bit of a deeper level why men go to escorts, and a potential solution that doesn’t demonize either party involved.

If you want to go to an escort (man or woman), you can find some on backpage.com. But be careful though, because in a lot of Western countries the police will pose on that website, and although selling sex may be legal, purchasing is illegal (ie Canada and the UK).

Did your wife or partner die recently? Or cheat on you? Or leave you? Or after 6 months of trying, she still won’t have sex with you or explain why?

Understandably, you might want some feminine touch and sexual energy, but don’t want to build an emotional connection with someone off of Tinder. And you sure as hell don’t want to play the drunken game at the club. And you may not have any friends with whom you’d feel comfortable asking for sex. So go to an escort. (here’s a resource: www.leolist.com.)

But if you get caught purchasing sex from a consenting adult, then the police are going to publicly label you a criminal, and you will likely lose your job, have a criminal record, go to jail and basically lose your entire fucking life because hey…you were a being human and had human needs. Fuck you, you disgusting piece of shit.

Written by Ryan Thomas. Co-Founder and Host of the podcast and sexuality focused, personal growth company, Modern SexTalks.

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