18 Jan EP117: How to be an Extraordinary Lover | Ryan Thomas
Research has shown that people with higher levels of testosterone naturally have a harder time experiencing empathy. This is typically a masculine trait.
People with higher levels of estrogren have naturally easier times experiencing empathy. They are driven by social connection. This is typically a feminine trait.
Men and women have both masculine and feminine in them. Men are typically more masculine. Women are typically more feminine.
This doesn’t mean that men don’t have the ability to experience empathy. It simply means that those men with higher levels of testosterone have a harder time experiencing it. They need to work at it, and build that muscle.
Testosterone is also the same hormone related to sex drive. Higher testosterone usually equates to higher sex drive. Even women with higher levels of testosterone have higher sex drives, and typically have less empathy.
This is why men can have sexual experiences and not connect. “But we had amazing sex! How could he sleep with me and just be so cold?” Sound familiar?
It’s a hormone going on inside of a man. It is not his mind. It is not his penis. It is not his heart and it is not a flaw in his character. It is simply his masculine, hormonal make-up.
Isn’t it interesting that the hormone that inhibits empathy and connection, is the same hormone that drives us to get closer? It is literally the doorway to personal growth and cultivating our true intimate potential.
In the book Iron John by Robert Bly, he references a Celtic teaching that says: “Never trust a man with a sword who hasn’t yet learned to dance.” This is saying that if a man hasn’t yet learned how to relax, and play, connect with his body and heart, and surrender to a beauty outside of him, he can’t fully respect the power of the sword. The sword can be destructive. It can also be protective. It can be a tool to create. It’s powerful.
But it comes only from a man’s ability to dance that he builds his compassion. And it’s this compassion that enables the greatest power from the sword.
On the contrary, if he has too much empathy, he’ll be afraid his sword. He’ll be too afraid of hurting someone, so he’ll allow himself to be hurt in the place of others. He’ll do so by avoiding his passions, his desires, his convictions; his truth.
He’ll be too afraid to make decisions and take the lead. He’ll be affected by the sentiments of others, and rely on their feedback to define him as a man.
In Taoist teachings, women connect to their sexuality through their hearts. A feminine woman is driven by her desire to connect. This is done by empathizing. And any woman will say that the more connected she feels to a man, if he is adequately competent in the bedroom, the sex is by far the most powerful she has ever had. Feminine Women connect to their hearts first, then to their sexuality.
So in the same way we shouldn’t trust a man with a sword who hasn’t yet learned to dance, a man’s sexuality has not yet fully matured and reached it’s full power, until he’s learned to “dance.”
What do I mean by dance? I mean connect with his heart. Understand it. Feel it. Embrace it. All the pain, the suffering, the love, the joy, the excitement.
If a man connects with his heart, he will cultivate his empathy. The more he does this, the more he will be able to feel into his woman, and connect with her heart. And in doing so, lead her to unparalleled heights of sexual fulfillment never before penetrated by any other man. He will be able to lead from a place of compassion, rather than sexual selfishness and arrogance.
Personally, I don’t claim to be a perfect man, or a perfect lover. There’s no such thing. But after years of deliberate learning and experience I’ve learned one lesson. A man with the ability to fight, but no ability to dance, or vice versa, is only half the Man he could be.
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